There Are 10 Things Not To Say To A Woman

Some things shouldn’t be said to a woman.

It’s true! I have my list and I will share it shortly, but first some startling facts.

If you Google “10 things not to say to a woman” there are 72,300,000 results. That’s insane! That number, just in case you’re not wearing your eyeglasses, is 72 million plus. Why is it so important to know what not to say to a woman? I decided to peruse a few of the lists online just to gauge them against my personal findings. I must have looked at a couple million sites, or at least a couple dozen, and let me tell you, they don’t even come close to the truth.

It’s like a computer decided on Saturday night it had nothing better to do, so it sent little bots scurrying across the web, crawling every site they could find pertaining to women, and came up with things that can best be described as “Artificial Intelligence”.

I went to my wife, who is a “woman” by the way, and said “What do you think about these things that can’t be said to a woman, that I found on the web?”

After a 10 minute “discussion” about “How can you categorize people?” and “No two women are alike!” and “This is so stereotypical.” and “I’m sure a man wrote this…” she started correcting the list. That brought me to the first point on my list.

1) Please don’t tell my wife I have a list!
That’s right. Don’t ever tell a woman you have a list. Of any kind. They love to correct lists. You’ll hear things like,
“This doesn’t even belong on this list.”
Or “Move this down to # 8.
Or “Don’t say 10 Things…Make it 12 Things”.
Or “What about…” Any list will be wrong and need correcting.

2) “Whatever”.
This one word has caused me more “near death experiences” than Indiana Jones and James Bond combined. I don’t know if it’s how I say it, or when I say it, or just saying it. I can tell you, I have removed the word from my conversational repertoire. I only use its written form. Unless I’m writing to…people…who…uh…don’t appreciate the word…then I don’t write it either.

3) “Relax”.
This word seems to have the opposite effect of its meaning. The word “relax” to me has grown into a pictogram. Any time I am about to say “relax” the picture of a guy sticking a chair into the face of a lion pops into my mind. I see the lion eat the chair…and the guy…and I refrain from saying it. This may not work for you but it does for me. Try your own methods to see what works.

4) “It’s up to you”.
I cannot tell you how much weight I’ve lost with this phrase. I still haven’t been able to beat this one but I’m working on it. It’s like my brain is in my little, happy place and I hear the question, “Where are we going to eat?” Before I think, the words come out of my mouth, “It’s up to you”. Once I utter this dreaded phrase, I silently scream the Homer Simpson great, “DOPE!” I know instantly what I’ve done and there is no going back. I’m in the middle of “Frigid River” and I have to make it to the other side without drowning or freezing to death. Luckily for me, I’m a good swimmer…but still losing weight.

5) “We both need to join The Biggest Loser”.
I plead insanity on this one.
First of all it was a joke, but I still plead insanity. Also, I was heavily medicated and didn’t really know what I was saying. Lastly, it had been a really long time since I had eaten and my blood-sugar was low and I kind of like the way it feels when an iron skillet accidentally bumps into the side of my face. ‘Nuf said.

6) “Is it okay if I dance with (insert name here)?”
This is the same as asking, “Is it okay if I shoot myself in the foot?”
“Is it okay if I sleep on the couch for two weeks?”
“Is it okay if I watch Hell freeze over?”
“Is it okay if I take a long walk off of a short pier?”
“Is it okay if I bang my head against the wall?” I think you understand this one.

7) “What is wrong with you?”
Even if nothing was wrong before I asked the question…IT IS NOW. This is the same as waving a red flag in front of a bull. Although I understand a bull is color-blind, my wife can see the darned thing…and that it’s red…and that it’s waving in her face. I mean, really, this is the kind of question/innuendo you just don’t wave in front of anyone. Especially if you ever want to eat solid food again.

8) “How long until you’re ready?”
Now this one is difficult for some people (men) to comprehend. It’s a simple question regarding time. It should merit a simple answer…again regarding time. I have, however, found that time is the farthest thing from my wife’s mind when I pose this question. I mean the answers I get are really off subject as far as I’m concerned.
What does “Forget it, I’m not going” have to do with time?
How does “Do you want me to look good or not” relate to time?
Why would you say “You’re in front of the TV” when asked this question?
I have removed this question from the play list. I now simply make a loud noise with the keys for a few minutes and then head to the car. I usually don’t have to wait too long in the car. I have a nice library of CD’s to choose from, so the time goes quickly.

9) “Do you have to yell?”
Never, and I repeat never ask this question unless you want to raise the volume 20 decibels. It’s like having a remote control for my wife.
Loud conversation…ask this question…+20 decibels…
”You think I’m loud”, etc., etc., etc…ask this question…+20 decibels…
”Oh I’m not yelling yet”, etc., etc., etc…ask this question…+20 decibels…
”I’m about to start yelling”, etc., etc., etc…ask this question…+20 decibels…
”Now I’m yelling!”
Actually, this one is my fault. Well, actually all of them are my fault, but I do this one on purpose. I mean…I used to.

10) “You look…fine.”
First of all, never say you look fine. It’s almost like saying “You’ll do”. You need to put some meaning into this answer.
Yes, it is an answer. To one of the most dreaded questions in a man’s life.“How do I look?”
Have some answers that you’ve worked out in advance to use for this one. The planning is well worth it. It could save your night, your week, your life. Here are a few to consider.
“That color looks great on you.”Notice the reference to color. My wife loves it when I notice she wears colors.
“Wow, you really look beautiful with your hair like that.”PLEASE make sure she is wearing a NEW hairstyle when using this one.
“You look wonderful, tonight.” Make sure it’s night, otherwise use “today”.
Above all be honest.
Secondly, I want to call your attention to the three dots in the “You look…fine.” Answer. This indicates a pause. NEVER pause during this answer. It denotes dishonesty and a woman can tell if Santa Claus is lying. Don’t do it. As I said earlier, be honest…it matters.

Well, there you have my 10 list.

It isn’t real. It’s not about my wife. It’s not about women. It’s not about men. It’s about all of us. All of us want honesty. All of us deserve honesty. The reason there are 72,300,000 pages with lists about what not to say to women, or what to say to women, is because communication is so very important to us as human beings.

Communication can build a relationship or destroy a relationship. Communication can build a family or destroy a family. It can build a community or destroy a community. It can build a nation or destroy a nation.

The next time you don’t know what to say to someone, don’t Google it to find out what the "experts" say. Take a moment, look inside yourself, be honest and communicate…honestly.

It matters...honestly.

Keep Believing…

Bille